I watched as Callum poured himself a glass of whiskey and downed it in one gulp. His dark black eyes were filled with disbelief that he found difficult to hide mixed with a strange loss and deep thoughts. He must’ve thought I’d gone crazy. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole as I faked confidence.
“Callum…” I touched his shoulder when I couldn’t take the silence any longer.
He blinked and then turned to look at me. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
I slowly nodded my head. “I… I want to feel helpless and give up any restraint. Bondaged, blindfolded, and controlled. Only to be rescued by you. I want to be rescued by you. I want you to absolve me from all this.”
“You’re asking me to do the very same thing your abuser did to you.” He raked his fingers through his hair.
“I know it sounds weird but I need it. I need to feel again. I’m asking you this because I trust you. Hindi ka katulad nila, Callum. I know you won’t do anything against my will. I want to know you won’t…
“He lightly brushed his palm against my cheek. His dark eyes showed pain and pity. “I’ll only be feeding your demons. I can’t do this to you.”
“Gusto kong kalimutan ang pambababoy nila sa akin. I don’t know how to explain this to you but I feel like this is the only way I’ll ever feel safe and comfortable in my own body.”
“It’s called repetition compulsion. I’ve seen it in alot of traumatized patients. There’s power in taking something someone has done to you and reinacting your version of it on yourself. Since what you want is control of your sexuality, you are trying to incorporate your experience to it. You know it’s a safe controlled environment and your mind wants to master what has happened to you by reliving it but with a different result.” He explained.
“Will you help me, Callum? Heal me.” I begged.
“I want to help you but it’s not a healthy impulse. You might re-traumatize yourself. It’s only going to make it worse.”
“I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough. I need to feel pain for something to feel better. I need it to heal.” I said. “You’re the only one I feel comfortable with because I know you can help me. I need you to silence my demons.”
“Are you sure you want this?” There was resignation in his voice.
I nodded my head. He poured himself another glass of whiskey and drank.
Callum tied both my wrists in front of me. I couldn’t see anything as my eyes were already covered with a sleeping mask. I could feel the rope slowly tightening around my wrist as he knotted them together. My heart thumped against my ribs.
I gasped when he gave it a little yank. “Is this tight enough?”
I could feel his breath against my ear. “Remember, you have control over how much power you want to give me. You’re in control of this. Anything I do to you, you can stop anytime you want. You understand?”
I nodded my head.
“What exactly do you want me to do to you?” He asked.
“I want you to treat me like the way they did. I want to be forced. Get as rough with me as you want.” My voice shook as tears began to wet my eyes. I wanted it to be replaced with Callum’s touch and kisses.
He pressed a kiss on the side of my head and it trailed down my cheek reaching down to my jawline. He pressed small gentle kisses on my lips, softly grazing his against mine. I took a sharp breath when he suddenly nipped my bottom lip with his teeth. My open mouth allowed him to slip his tongue inside my mouth. I could taste the whiskey he drank. His tongue deliciously explored every corner of my mouth.
He broke away from the kiss and then pulled me by the rope that was tied around my wrists. He pushed me onto the bed and then pulled my hands above my head. He tied the other end of the rope, keeping me in place. I knew I was completely defenseless. The lack of sight and my ability to move brought me back to that horrible memory. The similarities were too raw to seperate them apart.
“Callum!” My anxiety grew as I squirmed, feeling helpless and unable to do anything about it.
“Audrey, it’s me.” He softly whispered. My body relaxed when I heard his voice, the voice that reminded me I had no reason to be frightened. “Do you want me to untie you?”
“No…” I answered. “Just keep going. Go rough on me. Babuyin mo ko katulad ng ginawa nila sa akin.”
“Tell me when to stop.” He said.
I yelped in surprise when I heard and felt the tearing of the cloth that covered my torso. I felt his fingertips gently tracing the scar on my breast. Then he harshly pulled my bra down, revealing my breasts. The cold air settled on my skin. I felt his hot hands closing on both my breasts, kneading them carelessly as his brushed his palms against my nipples. I could feel them hardening at his touch. He pinched my nipples with two rough fingers and then twisted them. The threat of pain brought shivers down my spine. I whimpered as he twisted harder and harder until it hurt. His mouth was suddenly on my breast, sucking and biting my nipple and wanting more with each nip. He gave my other breast the same attention. He didn’t leave them alone until they were raw and sensitively painful.
He pushed my skirt over my hips and in one swift pull my panties tear with a harsh rip. He pulled my legs wide apart until they hurt. His hand slithered down my stomach to my slit, he brushed his fingers along before pulling my folds apart to reveal my aching nub. I could him staring at my womanhood. I was so wide open I was sure he could see my inside. I felt defenseless, vulgarly exposed to him, and so utterly humiliated. The same feelings I felt at the hands of my abusers. Tremors of anticipation vibrated through me.
I shuddered when he touched where the pressure was. He pulled my clit hood back and I was sure he saw how hard, red, and erect it was. I jolted when he pinched me there, throbbing the bundle of nerves. The pleasure pain sent me whimpering. His fingers moved down and played with my entrance. Then two fingers surged inside me, stretching me faster and harder than I’d been prepared for. I cried out in pain.
“This is what you want, right?” Callum’s gentle voice was the opposite of how rough his hand were on me. “If you want me to stop, just tell me.”
“No, don’t stop… Rougher…” I whimpered as his fingers assaulted me, aggrivating my walls. He shoved a third finger inside me. He struck me fiercely and with abandon. His hand abused my tender flesh, forcefully stimulating me. Faking and reality became blurred. Tears began to wet my blindfold. Shamefully aroused fear flooded my entire system. Panic ballooned in my chest as the memories of the distant nightmare flooded my conciousness.
“Nooooo!” I screamed in pain when he added the last finger. I counted as he entered each one of them. He inserted them one by one until he had all five of them inside me. I felt my walls stretching as he pushed his fist deeper inside me. I let out a cry of anger and pain. I felt like I was being ripped in half as he thrust his fist in and out of me. I was so open and empty and throbbing and gaping. This was like the first time again, when they stole my virginity from me. Another hand rubbed my clit and the most humiliating thing happened. My body turned against me and I felt the release of something warm from inside me. It leaked out of my body and me shuddered. I felt lower than dirt.
“Audrey, you’re shaking. Do you want me to stop?” Callum’s voice pulled me back from reality.
“No. Rougher.” I demanded. Pushing the fear aside.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes… I want you Callum. Only you. I’ve never wanted anyone this bad.”
“I want you too, Audrey. You have no idea how much I want you right now.” He whispered in a hoarse, ragged breath. “God, you’re soaking wet.
“I could feel his warm breath over my womanhood. Then he locked his mouth against my sex. His tongue moved wildly against me. He was greedy as he licked. His wide tongue trailed up and down as his three fingers continued to torment me.
Suddenly he released me and I felt empty. He level his head with me and I could smell my arousal on him as he pressed kisses all over my cheeks.
“I’m going to fuck you, okay?” He warned.
“Please… I want it hard.” I begged.
He positioned himself between my legs and with a single violent thrust he was inside me. I’d been stretched so rapidly and harshly that I almost felt like a virgin again. He speared himself over and over, holding my buttocks in both his hands to pull me even deeper. He fucked me hard, our crotches touching everytime. I couldn’t move or resist. He had taken control over every part of my body. His thrusts were savage and brutal, violently pounding against my walls, enough to bruise me. I felt another surge of heat escaping my body.
Callum let out a powerful growl and pulled himself from me. And then felt warm liquid showering my stomach and the outside of my sex. He buried his face into my neck and murmured. “Sorry… I’m so sorry…”
He untied my hands and took off the blindfold. The first thing I saw was his dark eyes sucking me right into his vortex. Guilt and pity filled those haunting eyes. They were glassy as they looked at me.
“You don’t have to apologize. Ako ang humiling nito sa’yo.” I cupped his face and pressed a kiss on his lips.
“I’m only going to ruin you more.” He choked.
“You’re helping me.”
He brought my hands to his lips and kissed my red, sore wrists. “I want you to forget and what I’m doing we’ll only make you remember.”
“I feel safe in your arms and I trust you. I know you won’t do anything I’m not comfortable with. I want to validate myself and you helped me. Do you understand me?”
“You want it because it’s intense and potend and real?”
I nodded my head.
“Because it makes you feel strongly, regardless if it is pleasurable or paining. You want the adrenaline rush you get from the fear, the heightened arousal, the possibility of projecting a positive feeling on top of a negative experience.”
“Yes…” It was weird how he gets me. He said all the things I couldn’t confirm to myself.
“I’m so messed up.”
“I read a quote a long time ago that says ‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results’. It’s your mind trying to cope and make it into a good thing.” He pulled me closer against him.
“Callum, thank you so much. Alam kong hindi madali para sa’yo itong ginagawa mo.” I nuzzled my face into his neck.
“It’s not. But if this helps then I’ll do it. Just as long as you’re comfortable.” He sighed and then kissed my forehead. “I think I got into a wrong field. I should’ve been a sex therapist.”
“You are… you’re my sex therapist. Pero sakin lang ha.” I giggled.
“Of course. It’s free of charge.”
I wouldn’t say what we have now was love. It wasn’t yet. But he gave me the security I needed. With him, I was never scared, worried or in fear. I felt safe with him and this was better than love. I could share and act out with him my deepest sexual fantasy. I could tell him all the demons that haunted me.