Our lips didn’t break as we stumbled inside. His lips felt like home. I surrendered to him without any thought. This felt right. I’d never felt this right with a man before. I have had a boyfriend back when I was a teenager. We did kiss but I didn’t feel anything close to what Callum’s making me feel.
He brushed his lips lightly against mine. Nipped the top lip and then the bottom. It was as though he was savouring a delicacy. Then his teeth nip my lips. A gentle swipe of his his before finally thrusting it in. I welcomed him in, mimicking the movements of his.
His hands swiped over my sides, caressing them. I tried to push my fears aside. He wasn’t going to hurt me like how they had. Hindi siya katulad nila. Hindi siya masama. I kept reassuring myself that I was doing this for me. I wanted to get myself back. I wanted to get back the piece of myself they stole from me.
We stumbled into his room and then pulled away, sucking air into our deprived lungs. Callum looked at me straight in the eyes. I tried to hide the trembles that slowly crept inside my body, waiting for the opportunity to get out. I was ready to do this… or at least I wanted to. I wanted to forget what they did to me, erase it from my mind– my body.
“Audrey…” He softly said, cupping my cheek with one hand. “Have you been intimate with anyone after what happened?”
I lowered my eyes and shook my head.
“Do you think you’re ready for this?”
I swallowed and then met his eyes. “I want to… Tulungan mo ako, Callum. Guide me. Show me what to do.”
“I don’t want you to force yourself.” He wrapped his arms on the small of my waist and kissed me on the forehead.
My eyes were fixed on his lips and I brought my fingers to trace them. “I trust you, Callum. You make me feel safe and protected. Hindi ba sabi mo sa akin you’re going to erase all the bad memories?”
He crashed his lips back to mine and we kissed again. We kissed with so much passion. I became bold and let my hands ran over his body. His body was solid and soft at the same time. I had never touched a man the way I was touching him. I started unbuttoning his button down shirt and felt his skin against my hands. I didn’t feel helpless or disgusting as he kissed and touched me.
“Is it okay if I…” He gently asked, eyeing on my shirt. Him asking permission made me feel empowered and in control of the whole situation. It made me feel more secure that he wouldn’t do anything I wouldn’t want.
I chewed on my lower lip. I got a little nervous. They left a scar on me and I was afraid he’d be horrified and wouldn’t want me after he sees it.
“It’s okay if you’re not ready. Audrey, you don’t have to feel bad.” Lumamlam ang mga mata niya. “Maiintindihan ko kung hindi ka pa handa.
“My hand shook as I grabbed the hem of my shirt and lifted it up. I unhooked my bra and let it fall to the ground. Cold air brushed against my body. I fought the urge to cover myself up when his eyes lowered. His eyes stopped on my right breast. I wanted to cry while he was looking at me. Something shifted in his dark, dark eyes.
It smelled like something was burning. I moved, trying to pull my hands from the rope that bound them. My body had been badly abused already. My thighs hurt from having spread open. My private part and my rear was sore and swollen from being used. They had raped me, they put things in me. What they were planning to do next? Burn me alive?
“A-ano’ng gagawin mo sa akin?” I asked.
I felt someone straddle my torso so I couldn’t move. I tried to kick him but my legs were held down by someone. I could feel the burning scent even stronger now. I screamed when I felt an intense burning pain on my left breast, just above my nipple. It was excruciating- painful beyond what I could ever imagine. My whole body shivered with pain as the hand pressed the hot iron even harder against me.
“Mga demonyo kayooo!” Umiiyak na sigaw ko. I could smell the burning of my flesh and I threw up.
It left a scar on my breast. It had two triangles with the tip touching each other, like an hour glass symbol and a cross overlapping it like a sword. It was like an hourglass with a sword over it.
I swallowed back the tears that wanted to escape. “They… they did that to me…”
“Shh…” He shushed me softly. “I don’t want you to talk about it right now, okay? I don’t want you to remember that now… or ever again.”
His head lowered to my breast and he began to kiss my scar. He grazed his lips ever so lightly against my scar. He traced it with his lips with so much gentleness that tears began to flow from my eyes. I had never had someone kiss my body with this much gentleness. The abuse was all my body had ever known.
He took my breast in his mouth and began to suckle on it. My fingers combed through his hair. He swirled his tongue around my nipple and then flicked it. I could feel it hardening. He moved to my right breast and did the same. He carried me to his bed and got on top of me.
He looked into each others eyes. Oh, his eyes were my weakness. They suck me in like a blackhole. His eyes lowered to my breast, down to my stomach and further down to my crotch. We were still wearing jeans.
He looked at me again as if asking for my permission. I tried hard not to shake when my hands went to the button of my jeans and I undid it. I slowly pulled it down along with my panties. He helped pull it down until it was off. I tried to focus on his face so I’d always know it was Callum. I just looked at his face as his hand snaked between my thighs. I flinched when the warmth of his palm touched me there. I cupped his face and I kissed him again.
My eyes opened wide when I heard the familiar sound of the unbuttoning and unzipping. My heart began to thump a little faster. I pulled away from the kiss and looked into Callum’s dark eyes.
It’s Callum. He’s not going to hurt you. I tried to comfort myself. My eyes lowered on the small space between us. I saw his manhood, they were big and erect with veins bulging. This was the first time I’d ever seen one. Feeling brave and curious, my hands went down to touch it. He allowed me. I felt liberated being able to touch and explore his body, like I had been given back my free will.
“You ready?” He gently asked, burying his nose into the nook of my neck.
I nodded my head. He reached for something inside his bedside table drawer. A foil. He unwrapped it and took out a round, transparent plastic like thing. He pushed the round thing down his manhood and it expanded, covering his length. I felt something hard pressing against my womanhood. I watched Callum’s expression as he slowly slid inside me. He slid slowly and careful, watching my reaction with every movement he made.
I feel the pressure of his length and girth slowly stretching me. But I couldn’t feel anything other than that. I knew I was supposed to feel something I couldn’t feel anything physically and emotionally. I was hollow from within. As if it would make an echo if someone drops a coin inside me.
I stared at the ceiling as he started to move in and out of me. I just laid there without feeling anything. It was like all my emotions had been switched off. They remapped my anatomy. Screwed up my whole endocrine system. Torched my soul. Rewired my ability to feel physical sensations as they are. They numbed me physically and emotionally. Smashed the connectors that would have made intimacy an act of love, bonding, comfort and release.
“I can’t feel anything, Callum…” I said in a whisper. He suddenly paused, propping his body from mine and then looking at me. Emotions suddenly flodded back in. I hugged him, my fingers clawing his back. Tears ran down the side of my eyes. “I can’t feel anything. Why can’t I feel anything? Why?”
He rolled off me and pulled me into his arms. “It’s okay…”
“No, it’s not! Why can’t I feel anything?” I sobbed hysterically. “They messed me up…”
He stroked my hair as I cried in his arms. Nang mahimasmasan ako, tumayo si Callum at lumabas sa kwarto. He came back with a cup of tea. I wrapped his navy blue blanket around my body and sat up, with my back leaning against his headboard. He handed the tea to me.
“Are you okay now?” He asked.
I nodded my head.
“I’m sorry.” He sighed.
“It’s not your fault. I’m just… messed up.” My eyes lowered to my cup. “I want to feel normal but I can’t.”
“Why can’t you feel anything while we were having sex?” He asked. I knew that tone well, it was his psychiatrist voice.”Don’t use your psychiatry expertise on me now.” I tried to joke.
He kept a straight face. “I want to help you, Audrey. You can tell me everything.
“I gulped down my tea. “I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t even understand myself.”
“Tell me what’s going through your head. I might be able to help you understand yourself.” He kissed me on the forehead.
I tried so hard not to cry. I felt embarrased and ashamed of myself. “I don’t know. I kept remember what they did. I’m not used to how you were treating me. My body’s not used to gentleness. I was used to feeling fear and anticipating the pain.”
“And you need to feel that rush…” He quietly said.
“That’s all I’ve ever known. I never enjoyed what they did to me but I was trying to find the feelings they made me feel.”
“The heightened senses, the fear, the pain?”
I slowly nodded my head. I couldn’t even look at him straight in the eyes. I felt like a freak of nature.
“I’m damaged beyond repair, Cal. You shouldn’t even waste your time on me. I can’t be fixed anymore.” My voice shook.
He nipped my chin and tilted my head up, forcing me to look at him. “I’m here to fix you.”